The Greatest Bands That Never Were

Everyone may know me now as being happily married but before I met the woman of my dreams I was just like all of you out there, single. When a man is single he thinks of any way to get a woman he can. After years of searching for the dating secrets I realized one of the very few truths in this world, ladies love a man in a band. Since I had absolutely no musical talent, I did what most guys like me do when they want to be in band and have no talent, I decided to become a singer. I had the plan set out perfectly, I would start some sort of band in which I would sing and write lyrics (making me sexy and sensitive), while my best bro Jacob would back me up on the guitar. I had many ideas for what would have been the most epic band to ever grace human ears but none of them ever paned out. So now I am dragging them out of the old filing cabinet and dusting them off to share them with you, my best of friends.

Idea #1
Band Name: The Ever Growing Darkness
Sound: Emo/Acoustic
Sample Lyrics: (Just imagine the most emo lyrics you can think of)
Reason For Failing: I slowly figured out that women who go for lyrics about killing yourself sung by some douche bag with bleached black hair aren't exactly what the Health Department would call "clean".

Idea #2
Band Name: Fall Out Man
Sound: Emo/Punk/Pop
Sample Lyrics: We're going down down; In an earlier round; Sugar we're going down swinging; I'll be your number one with a bullet; A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it
Reason For Failing: The idea behind this band was to bring the groundbreaking sound of Fall Out Boy to the local masses, it fell apart when I found out about something called a CD.

Idea #3
Band Name: The Movies
Sound: Indie/Acoustic
Sample Lyrics: I see dead people when I close with my eyes; I see dead people when I realize; That Bruce Willis was never alive; He was always dead and when he was having dinner with his wife she was really just talking to herself because she was drunk and not actually talking to Bruce Willis
Reason For Failing: When over half your songs are about movies that most people haven't even heard of because they are too busy watching stupid ass shit like Sleepover and you let them know how dumb they are for it, people wont really listen to your single about Citizen Kane.

Idea #4
Band Name: The Quotables
Sound: Indie/Acoustic/Historical
Sample Lyrics: Ask not what your country can do for you; (Chant) Ask not, Ask not; But what you can do for your country; (Chant) What you, Can do
Reason For Failing: There isn't a big crowd of people who want to hear Hitler's "Blame The Jews" speech set to an angst ridden folk guitar breakdown.

Idea #5
Band Name: The Lord Of The Strings
Sound: Acoustic/Pop
Sample Lyrics: You shall not pass, I have a beard; You shall not pass, I have no fear
Reason For Failing: Someone beat me to it.