How Not To Get Laughed At When Shopping At Best Buy

We've all shopped there and I work there, so now what we need to cover is how not to get laughed at by the employees when you leave there. Now I know it may seem mean but I laugh and ridicule many customers who I deal with, but a lot of it is really ridiculous stuff. So what I'm going to do is cover the basic stuff that really should never happen.

Know Your Alphabet

I can not even begin to tell you the number of people who have "looked everywhere" for a DVD or CD, that I find in under 10 seconds. I know that I work there but there is no reason that you cant find a DVD when everything is alphabetized. I mean if you are looking for Knocked Up and there are 50 copies staring you in the face under the K's, you really shouldn't be asking for help.

Don't Ask For Help If Your Aren't Going To Take It

From time to time run into what I feel to be racial intolerance. I will be asked about a certain Rap CD and either know whether we have it or look it up on the computer. I've looked up countless numbers of Rap CD's with people and told them that we don't have it because the computer staring us both in the face that has all of our store numbers on it tells me that we don't; only to find these exact same people moments later with an African American employee asking about the exact same CD, as if the white boy doesn't know what he's talking about when it comes to Rap CD's.

Realize That It's Our Job And We Know What We're Talking About

Following up on that last tip, I beg you to realize that people who work at Best Buy, work at Best Buy. We didn't wander off the street and put on a blue polo to look cool (trust me). I've stared at our DVD section so many times that I know what we have and don't have, but whenever I tell someone we don't have a movie without looking at the computer they look at me like I just dropped 40 kids in a New Mexican desert to fend for themselves for 40 days. People, there isn't a single person that works there that will tell we don't have something that we do, they are all so up there ass about making budget and other really gay company goals that they will find what you want and then try to sell you shit you don't need.

Unless The Employee Seems Generally Interested, Keep Things To Yourself

Here at Best Buy, we love to get your money but not your life story. If I'm selling you a PS3, please don't tell me about your most recent herpes outbreak or how your last PlayStation broke when your husband got drunk and mistook it for the car. Unless I ask you or share some of my own experiences, don't bring your personal life into it and for the love of Clive Owen, leave out all the disgusting shit. Besides, I'm just sharing my own life with you in a weak attempt to better sell the product and get more of your money.

These are just a few tips that can help you become a more ideal Best Buy costumer, I will soon have more for you to follow. Until then, take what I've said here today to heart and strive to not ask so many dumb questions.

The Greatest Bands That Never Were

Everyone may know me now as being happily married but before I met the woman of my dreams I was just like all of you out there, single. When a man is single he thinks of any way to get a woman he can. After years of searching for the dating secrets I realized one of the very few truths in this world, ladies love a man in a band. Since I had absolutely no musical talent, I did what most guys like me do when they want to be in band and have no talent, I decided to become a singer. I had the plan set out perfectly, I would start some sort of band in which I would sing and write lyrics (making me sexy and sensitive), while my best bro Jacob would back me up on the guitar. I had many ideas for what would have been the most epic band to ever grace human ears but none of them ever paned out. So now I am dragging them out of the old filing cabinet and dusting them off to share them with you, my best of friends.

Idea #1
Band Name: The Ever Growing Darkness
Sound: Emo/Acoustic
Sample Lyrics: (Just imagine the most emo lyrics you can think of)
Reason For Failing: I slowly figured out that women who go for lyrics about killing yourself sung by some douche bag with bleached black hair aren't exactly what the Health Department would call "clean".

Idea #2
Band Name: Fall Out Man
Sound: Emo/Punk/Pop
Sample Lyrics: We're going down down; In an earlier round; Sugar we're going down swinging; I'll be your number one with a bullet; A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it
Reason For Failing: The idea behind this band was to bring the groundbreaking sound of Fall Out Boy to the local masses, it fell apart when I found out about something called a CD.

Idea #3
Band Name: The Movies
Sound: Indie/Acoustic
Sample Lyrics: I see dead people when I close with my eyes; I see dead people when I realize; That Bruce Willis was never alive; He was always dead and when he was having dinner with his wife she was really just talking to herself because she was drunk and not actually talking to Bruce Willis
Reason For Failing: When over half your songs are about movies that most people haven't even heard of because they are too busy watching stupid ass shit like Sleepover and you let them know how dumb they are for it, people wont really listen to your single about Citizen Kane.

Idea #4
Band Name: The Quotables
Sound: Indie/Acoustic/Historical
Sample Lyrics: Ask not what your country can do for you; (Chant) Ask not, Ask not; But what you can do for your country; (Chant) What you, Can do
Reason For Failing: There isn't a big crowd of people who want to hear Hitler's "Blame The Jews" speech set to an angst ridden folk guitar breakdown.

Idea #5
Band Name: The Lord Of The Strings
Sound: Acoustic/Pop
Sample Lyrics: You shall not pass, I have a beard; You shall not pass, I have no fear
Reason For Failing: Someone beat me to it.

...Is Badass

This is the start of a new recurring article in which I give the top five reasons why a person, place, or thing is badass. Be forewarned, these articles may feature some homosexual undertones, as I feel very strongly about some of the people I place in this category. With that said, the hardest part of this article was picking who to write about first. This week alone features two new movies featuring three of my favorite baddasses, it was tough. I did however manage to narrow it down to arguably my favorite badass in cinematic history...

Clive Owen

Clive Owen is easily the biggest fucking badass working in the movie industry today and I will defend this to the death. I have seen a many of films on the sole fact that they feature Clive, I'm going to call him Clive because that way I can pretend we are best friends, and I've liked them all, even King Arthur.

#5: He Saved Sin City

Watching Sin City again, I realize that it really isn't that great of a movie, but one things carries over from every viewing and that's Clive's badass performance. He is without a doubt made to play this type of just badass, "Don't fuck with me" type of character. It's character that has me going back to Sin City for more and thankful that the DVD features his portion of the film separated from the rest of it.

#4: Children Of Men

Children of Men is an amazing film and definitely one of the best films of this decade, but I think a lot of that is due to Clive's performance. He carries that movie on his back and molds a character that is real, someone that had me cheering for him the whole way through. It was a real shame that he did not receive more recognition for this performance, but for me it only proved how badass he is.

#3: The Voice

As gay as it may sound, Clive Own has one of the best voices that has probably ever been recorded. The man could read me fucking Dr. Seuss and I would say that it's cooler than Pulp Fiction. His narration in Sin City was the perfect noir narration of that movie or any movie, and his monologue with Del Toro in the car is awesome for the sole fact that any word, sentence, or monologue that man delivers is cooler than an ice pack on the bruised chest of a man whose ass he just got done kicking. Not to mention that fact that it's a British accent, and not one of those gay ones either.

#2: His Mad Acting Skills

Clive is a very gifted actor who can deliver a line so subtlety that you can barely notice that he is so mad that you are about to get your ass beat in. Take for example the clip below, I've haven't seen this movie yet but watching this clip made me want to go out and buy it. Clive drew me into the scene and then at the end gave me that badass moment that makes me punch my hand in awe of it all. I know it's a little long but watch it all to get the full effect because the last 10-30 seconds kills.

#1: Just How Cool He Is

When it all boils down to it, Clive Owen is just one cool guy. He brings this just utter sense of everything that is cool and manly to every role, and if the role doesn't call for those qualities he finds a way to make it work. Plus, he just seems like a really nice guy. He is just sky rocketing to fame more and more with every movie he puts out, but he never lets it get to him. Every interview he has ever done, he just seems so easy going and nice. He's been with the same woman since 1988 despite the fact that all the ladies think he is fine as hell, including Angelina Jolie. My hat goes off to you Clive Owen, you are not only a fine actor but a gentleman and all around great guy, making you my number one badass.